Sometimes i am quiet and easygoing. People often think that i am passive because i tend to avoid trouble. I'm not the type that pushes my way on others. i push down memories from the past Because they are too painful to deal with, i can't believe that my girlfriend after so much love and sacrifice i placed into our relation ended up changing her mind about our relationship. She claims that her parents say that I'm a nice guy and every thing but my age compared to hers is way too distanced, she is fourteen and I'm eighteen. Christmas in 2009 was at its best i was at her house having a good time talking to her expressing my feelings for her and the most special thing happened between us our first kiss.
Maybe i can't face the truth, i deny the truth we can't be together because of age difference she is some what immature to deal with a relationship but I'm afraid of her falling in loved with some one else, distance as well has separated us. I have tried to push down on these memories because they don't let me live a normal life!I over use these mechanisms because in every relationship that i'm involved in this keeps happening to me. Their is only one solution to my problems don't ever fall in loved again because in every one i end up getting hurt!
Perfection and unassailability, sometimes my life gives me a twist. At times i want to be admired based on my own self view of perfection. In the past all i did was to be admired for who i was, i used to dress and act like a top shatta with earing and saggy clothes but i noticed that some girls do like it but others and their parents think that those guys that dress like that are bad boys and that affects a persons reputation big time. I used to dress like that because i used to hang around with guys that were trained to dress like that from the time they were born, i felt that if i didn't look like them i would have been kicked out of the group. I hid all my imperfections so as not to fail the group, such as the way i talked had to be change or else they would have called you a sissy and be kicked out. every thing was to just be "Bling, Bling" like those real ghetto guys.Now i've changed big time that need for perfection was not for me i have too many imperfections and its time the world knows about them so i can live a peaceful life, a life filled with love and happiness a life that god wants us all to live, happy! hiding imperfections to be perfect was not good cause the world might know of them when you don't want it to know and consequences will follow.
A need for personal achievement is what i've i had always been working on from the time i was in primary school. In the past i've burnt the midnight candle staying up late at night to complete assignments i was always competing in my class to get first place. In primary school i was awarded first place from infant two to standard two where i fell to second place and then back to first in standard three up to standard six. I was the valedictorian in the class, when i got a low grade on a test i always used to push my self to achieve higher grades. i guess i over used that need for personal achievement because when i entered high school i started to suffer from strong head ache and fever that made me crazy at times. My grades fell but thanks to God I still keep moving forward. Now all i do is to just focus in class and try to do assignments because i don't want to under go that head ache and fever again in my life, studying too much made me sick so i had to limit my self to studying to remain healthy. My long term goal of graduating is now my shortest goal since i am almost there i know that father God will guide and protect me to reach all my objectives!
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ReplyDeleteWould have wanted more information about what you can do to change your overused defense mechanisms and neurotic needs. Perhaps you can engage in some of the ones you do not use as often. Good luck in achieving all your goals and graduating this year.